I've been having a weird body week.
The babe is getting his molars right now, and all May long he's been in the throes of serious gum pain and snot production, high temperatures and congestion, sneezes and interrupted sleep. It's been rough on both of us, since I am a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, hippie type mama.
Whenever he cuts new teeth, and especially at night, when he's trying to get some rest, he nurses. He nurses A LOT.
This means, because this is how my body is engineered (and not how many women's bodies work), I lose weight. I am constantly hungry, constantly fatigued; my blood sugar rides a roller coaster of unpredictability, and I funnel every calorie from every morsel of food I consume into my boobs.
This means I have a lot, and I do mean, a lot, of disordered eating thoughts to deal with.
See, the shitty thing about the ED voice, is that it takes a really long time to go away. I expect that mine will stick with me for another ten years, since it took ten years for me to realize I didn't need it.
It tells me to look in the mirror.
It tells me to poke my stomach and compare it to the memories I have of my stomach pre-baby, post-baby, last week, and then compare it to every woman's stomach I have ever seen either in person or on television or the internet. It tells me to see if I can grab an inch or if I suck in my gut can I see my ribs? It tells me to snap a photo (just a quick selfie it hisses) and to use the app on my phone to slide that photo side by side of a pic I took of myself when I was three weeks post partum.
It tells me to compliment myself on this weight loss and to lord it over others who have little tummies, big tummies, round tummies or flat tummies.
It's still a fucker, in case you were wondering.
I've gotten better at separating myself from the ED voice.
I no longer feel guilty when it tells me to feel good because I'm skinnier than Person A.
I know that it is telling me my worth is still dependent on being skinnier than Person A., and when I inevitably gain weight, like a woman, like a human being does, I will no longer be skinnier than Person A. and I will lose value.
I no longer feel guilty when my ED voice is a bitch, because I know it is one thing above all else:
It is a liar.
It lied to me for over a decade, telling me that I had no control over anything in my life, but I could control food and I could control what I looked like and so I might as well be content with that.
It lied to me about what I was worth when I went on vacation and could slip by restricting and lose ten, sometimes fifteen pounds in a week.
It lied to me when I inevitably returned from that vacation and my body demanded I binge to make up for those lost pounds.
It lied to me when I said I wasn't hungry for years, when all I wanted was to eat with the comfort, safety, and ease my peers seemed to do so.
It lied to me when it said that I was unlovable, disgusting, and a failure, because I couldn't even get eating right.
I know it is a liar now, and I call it out on this horse shit.
I will not get on a scale this week.
It will be unhealthy to know exactly how much weight I have lost due to the extra nursing.
I will not spend time examining my body in the mirror and making comparisons of it to anything.
If I look at myself in the mirror it will be to check if I am clean and presentable, to pick the spinach out of my teeth, and to get those eyeliner wings even.
I will not calorie count, meal skip, or restrict "just to see" how much weight I can lose with this extra nutritional deficit.
You know why?
Because it makes me feel horrible.
It all makes me feel just awful, and I mean physically, mentally, emotionally.
Dude, I am ex-hau-sted!
I am up all night long with this teething babe.
If I wake up and I want to put whipped cream on my coffee. I am gonna fucking do it, and enjoy it, because I deserve a treaty cup of coffee after getting through a night like that.
If I wake up and i want a big ass smoothie with three scoops of peanut butter in it, I'm going to make it and drink it and enjoy every sip because I know bananas and peanuts are full of potassium and protein, two nutrients my body is horribly depleted by when the babe nurses.
If I gain ten pounds when I wean the baby, I am going to relax because my clothes will start fitting me better again, I will stop feeling cold all the time, and I will be sleeping through the night and getting the rest that I need rather than being run ragged through the night by my poor little guy.
People tell me all the time:
"You lost the baby weight so fast!"
"You look better than ever!"
"Motherhood looks good on you!"
And none of it is real. In fact, it's toxic.
I wonder what people would say if I told them the truth.
I am currently not at a healthy weight.
I am not comfortable being this thin.
It is temporary, and I will be bigger when you see me next. What will you say then?
Anyway, this story might not help anyone...maybe it's just for me.
Or who knows, maybe you've been sick and lost weight without trying, maybe you went through a growth spurt and despite eating everything you could, you've gotten thinner, maybe you've had horrible anxiety or personal trauma that has kept you from eating properly, or maybe you're one of the millions of people who can't afford to eat properly and you had to use your grocery money to pay an outstanding bill.
Regardless, nobody should tell you that your worth is based on your weight, whether it goes up or down, because it will.
We are living creatures and our mass will change over the course of our lifetimes countlessly.
We live in a society that makes us believe we should have control over it and evaluates our worth based on how much control we exert over our forms.
I used to buy into those lies.
Now I recognize them, call them out, and listen to what my body tells me is right for it.
And I can only hope that you do the same. I know it isn't easy, holy shit, sometimes it is the hardest thing I can think of, but it is so worth it, to release yourself from the guilt and just take care of your body. I know I owe my body so much. It's the least I can do.
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